I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
