New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
