My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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