He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
