am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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