I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Randomize
