Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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