he told me I talked like a deaf person
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
