I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
