So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
