I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
