Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
