Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
