Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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