Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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