My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
