i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
