I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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