I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
