Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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