all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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