my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
