when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize