got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
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But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
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There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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