I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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