six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
