man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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