I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
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There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.