I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child