Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
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Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
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Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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