why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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