So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think people are normalizing furries
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
