She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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