we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
