sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
