So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
