I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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