Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
