The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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