So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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