My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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