that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
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It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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