I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my shit smells like andre
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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