It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
