So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I will be naked everywhere
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
