i always forget guys have bellybuttons
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
