It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The uberlube is also flammable
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
