On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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