You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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