I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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