dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
