Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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