Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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