At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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