does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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