Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
