broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
